Right on the money: it’s a film about nothing. I’ve been trying to put my finger on that for weeks.

Guardian critic Robbie Collin argued a passionate defence of the film, that it shows Ridley Scott is sticking two fingers up to the studio and making exactly the Alien film he wants, multiplex audiences be damned (he cites the curious David teaching Walter to ‘play the recorder’ scene as an example).

I reached the exact opposite conclusion. The film tries so hard to tick off a string of disparate fan and studio notes that it doesn’t know who its main character is, who its villain is, or what it’s about.

Paradise, I mean Alien: Covenant studio notes:

• Tie up the plot threads in Prometheus; check.
• More xenomorphs; check.
• A definitely-not-Ripley, Ripley character; check.
• Finally, sure Ridley, throw in a few musings on creation and playing God, but make sure there’s a generic action set piece climax; check.

One thing’s for sure, the crew of the Covenant were so dumb they would have all died no matter which planet they landed on.